Diary

2008-01-25 - Everything ends when the time comes

On the other hand, it is very nice to go back to Finland and be together with my family at Christmas time. At the same time the feeling is sad, because I have to leave all this. I am going to miss all the children a lot. So right now I can say that I don’t really know what to think.

Many things at the orphanage have surprised me, sometimes things have made me even angry. The handicapped children make me feel sad. Many of these children are physically disabled; it means that their hands and legs don’t move at all. After three months I don’t approve everything the local nannies do. Sometimes it feels that the local nannies throw and feed and wash the children like they were toys.

Some of this can be explained by low payment, the history of Cambodia and that there are not enough nannies at the orphanage. But I have to say that even those things can’t explain everything that happens. I think that everyone of us has human dignity.

During my period one boy has died. His death was a touchy moment and it felt bad. It is always hard to hear or see when a child passes away. This boy was very badly handicapped and was always sick, his breathing was really hard. It feels bad to say, but I think that for many of those children it is better to pass away, because then all the pain end. We can see that many of these children really suffer of the pain and that nannies don’t really take care of them. It feels wrong and sometimes I can’t sleep well because I think about these things, but in some way I just have to approve this.

Cambodia is a developing country and I can really see that.

Sometimes at the evenings I have a feeling that I don’t want to go to work tomorrow, because usually I have to see things I don’t want to see. Children are so happy and sweet that at the beginning of a work day I forget those feelings. I was sick and because of that I wasn’t at the orphanage for a week. It was wonderful to go back to work after that. One handicapped girl, Srey Mao laughed when she saw me and healthy children ran to me. They had been waiting for me. It is also funny that children have learned our routines. For example a girl called Sreyka knows that she will get out at the morning with me. So every morning when she sees me, she starts asking when we will go out.

It is nice that the local nannies appreciate our help. I feed Srey Mao two times a day. The local nannies leave her to me, because they have seen that I have some kind of connection with Srey Mao. When I go home after the day they say “bye bye”, it is only word they can say in English. It is a little word, but means a lot to me. In the playroom there are only two nannies and we volunteers, so our help is needed there. It is nice that sometimes these nannies thank us for our help and when we leave they also say “bye bye”. Also children are waving and sending “flying kisses” for us when we leave.

During my period the country of Cambodia has shown me many sides. Sometimes I have had a feeling that I want to go home right away. When we have done trips to outside of capital city, I have had feeling that maybe I could spend even longer period of time here. Phnom Penh is very noisy, dusty and narrow city. In the provinces the landscape is beautiful: there are lots of trees and plants, also the air is cleaner. People here are happy, although we can see many deficiencies here. I think that it is the sun and brightness which gives happiness and energy to these people’s life here.

Anna Halttunen